This story is based on the end of Becoming,when
Buffy is leaving town on the bus.
My dearest angel of darkness, I can hardly believe
what I've done to you.
You wouldn't believe the guilt I feel every time I look at those hands,
my hands that have killed you, every time I see the ring you gave me on
my finger. The nights I lie awake in my bed, sometimes just crying.Crying
for you, crying for myself and for us. Crying for our love.Crying for your
life that I took. It haunts me in my dreams, it haunts me every second I
let my thoughts drift away. Yes,I know. I know it was the right thing to
do. The thing the slayer had to do. But then how come that every time I
think of you I just want to cry out, "What have I done?" I am
supposed to be the slayer. I have been the slayer,always. I was the slayer
when I stabbed you. Oh god, how much I wish I could just be Buffy. How much
I wish I would have been Buffy this night. To forget what my mission was
and to listen to my heart that screamed "DONT DO IT!" Just as
I was Buffy every time we kissed, every time you held me so close to you,
every time you smiled at me. This smile that seemed to make every second
spent with you precious and pure of joy.
Now it is gone. Your smile isn't brightening my darkest hours anymore and
I don't know if it ever will again. Of course I hope. Maybe this hope is
what keeps me alive. For on the inside I feel truly dead, as if a part of
me died with you this night. My only feelings being guilt,pain and the deepest
Oh Angel. I just wish that I could turn back time. I wish I could have given
my life instead of taking yours away. All the nights I dream of you..I just
can't take them anymore. Everything just starts off all right, I dream of
the two of us..kissing, just holding each other. I dream of leaning my head
against your shoulder, crying because of all that I have done to you. But
as soon as I try to say 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry.' this fatal ending
is coming back to me, repeating itself in my worst nightmares. Now I'm leaning
my cheek against the cool window of the bus. My mind is empty,as far as
you can say that. I try to think of nothing, but my thoughts just keep spinning
around this night.
Maybe they now think I am a coward. And maybe I am. But I know if I would
stay here a minute longer I would fade. I have to get away from all of this.
Maybe start a new life. A new life. How glad I would be if I could spend
it with you. Far away from everything that makes me special. Just you and
me. I know that you are the only thing I would ever need. Now I realize
it. How blind I was. It seems that I have wasted my life not spending every
day with you as long as I was able to. Suddenly I felt a tear rolling down
my cheek. Angrily I wiped it away. I knew that it was destiny. After a true
moment of happiness you have turned into the creature of darkness that wasn't
really you. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be
happy. Still, the one night in your arms is a moment I will remember forever.
I will keep the memory safe in my heart and mind, like your ring,the symbol
of our love. My memories, the ring, they are now the most precious things
I posses. I feel the people in the bus watching me cry, but I don't care.
What do they know in their safe,small world,that I have saved so often ?
For them I have given the only thing that meant something to me, for this
world I have sent the only person I truly love and always will to hell.
I try not to be bitter and I am not really. Because all I feel is emptiness.
I am so tired. So unbelievable tired. I can't remember how long I was staring
out of the window. After a while I fall asleep, but fortunately I am not
dreaming. It was a deep and dreamless sleep, not bringing any peace, but
at least it spared me the pain of seeing Angel being sent to hell once again
and the sadness in his eyes when they looked at me for the last time. A
hand grabs me by the shoulder and shakes me gentle. "Young lady,you
gotta get of the bus now!
When I look around I see that most people had already left the bus.
Silently I grab my bag and get off the vehicle. I stand in the cool darkness,so
familiar to Angel as the sunlight was to me.I thought I had been ready to
kill you,Angel.But I have been shocked to see that just one last expression
on your face had made me want to take everything back. I can't see properly
anymore, my eyes are filled with tears.I sit down at the bench and cover
my face with my hands. Angel,wherever you are now,just know that I am sorry.
I look up to the clear sky and whisper "I am so terribly sorry."
© By Barbara Fischer
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